I’m writing today because I’m struggling. My weight, my eating, it has and I’m sure always be the one thing that can make me fall apart. I’m at my heaviest and it truly disgusts me. The problem I have is I either eat whatever I want constantly and can’t think about it or I fall apart, or I take notice of what I eat and no matter how healthy I want to be, I restrict my intake.

I don’t really know where and how to go past this, I can ingore my weight for so long, I gain and then end up just absolutely disgusted with myself. And then I decide to be healthy and watch my calories and excerise. By day two, I’ve resricted my intake and by the end of the week I’ve fallen back to old habits. The worst thing, is when faced with that decision, just accept my weight and maybe cut out junk food, every time I turn back to restricting my intake. It works, it’s a high, it’s safe and normal for me.

Now, is one of those times. Even with a boyfriend who loves me at my current weight, and it kills him when I restrict, I still am questioning which way to turn. And truthfully, like always restricting and dropping back into my eating disordered behaviour seems to be winning.

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1. eating issues.
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I started worrying about my weight in about grade 10/11. I can’t remember where it started or why. I just remember suddenly getting on the scales about five times a day, and counting calories obsessively. It obviously wasn’t this sudden, and I remember things like starting to eat half my fast food meals, cos it was so fatty. And, knowing exactly how much I weighed, and what my BMI would be at my height with that weight. And, I had a goal weight.

For some kinda scary facts. Year eight, I was average, 161 cm & 55 kilos. Year nine, still average. 161 cm & 50-55 kilos. Year 10, 161 cm & 48-50 kilos. Year eleven, 161 cm & 45 -48. Between year 11 and 12, I hit 161 cm and 42 kilos. Year 12, 161 cm & 42-48 kilos. At my worse, my BMI was 16.2. Normal weight = 18.5-24. Underweight is classified at under 18. As far as I know BMI under 16 is hospitalisation (involuntarily).

I don’t think I ever got better. It’s not something I learnt how to deal with. It’s common for someone who suffers from Anorexia, to go from starvation to the binge purge routine. You go from limiting yourself so badly, to being forced to eat/or letting go to eat/or trying to get better and pretty much once you start you can’t stop. As in during that time I could eat more than I’d care to admit. As in to the stage I needed to vomit to be able to be comfortable. It’s a dangerous and addicting behavior to do. That stayed with me some time, I don’t know how I stopped, I think the lack of opportunity stopped it truthfully.

In the last year, I’ve dropped back into known territory and hit 47 kilos. Now, I’m currently 55ish. It is kinda motifying for me, it’s scary and it’s something that causes some self destructive thoughts for me. I feel uncomfortable in my own body, truthfully I feel disgusting. Right now, is one of those times I battle letting go and going to what I know. I remember not eating tomatoes because compared to other vegetables they had too many calories, I didn’t drink anything but SF fizzy and water (and at one stage only water). I remember eating half a normal serving of Weight Watchers soup, and arguing with my parents abou needing to eat a slice of bread with it. I remember having my wisdom teeth pulled, being weighed, the nurses face looking shocked, and telling me I could only take half the pain tablet not a full one. And I remember my (ex) boss hugging me and pulling away saying she couldn’t hug me while she could feel my spine sticking out. I’d lie on the wooden floors to get comfortable and sit up with black bruises on my hips and wearing two shirts and two jackets trying to keep warm. I know I’m not better because I still miss those things…

I have worked my arse off (not literally obviously) to be a healthy rolemodel for the little one around my house. And I think I’ve done well. We eat healthily and I’ve purposely eat happily around her. I like to think I have more knowledge about this than most, and can avoid those things that I know trigger people with EDs. I know I can see signs of EDs before most, and am glad I can be of support in a world which sees more male and females develop EDs than ever before and at a younger age. It is something I will always work on to stop having any affect on her.  It’s just not me anymore, it’s her, the boy, and my future kids.

Saying that, this week I’m struggling, as I said I’m at a high weight for me, and am struggling not to fall back into old routine. Lucky for me I have a supportive boyfriend, and a loving household. Chin up, young person, chin up and time to take a deep breath and hit publish.

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